“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing,
so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.”
Romans 15: 13
Man this infertility stuff gets into your head. I’ve been pretty open with most of my friends about the struggle The Man and I are on. I think, in all honesty, you have to be open about what is going on in your life or you can easily allow yourself to be shut out and secluded. I need people in my life to keep me going, so in that vein my friends know that this journey has been hard. But the longer we go through this, the more I see each hug, each card, each coffee date as a reminder that God is holding me, He is guarding me, and reassuring that we will be a mother and a father- a family, someday. The longer we struggle, the more I feel God’s love and presence in my life.
Over and over I am overwhelmed by the support system I have in place, and I really feel so blessed by all of the people who surround me- I truly see God in them. One friend in particular (who has a beautiful baby girl) takes all the anger that I do not feel anymore/have not felt for a very long time and channels it into her own little body. She has no idea what infertility feels like but yet I hear her say, “I am so pissed off that you guys aren’t pregnant; you would make great parents; this is totally unfair.” Amen, sister. But you see- it’s precisely because of friendships like those that I do not fear. It’s these friendships; these conversations that keep me going. I truly believe that God is present in these moments, as they always seem to come when I feel my lowest.
This is what I believe:
– Infertility is NOT part of “God’s plan”
– I will be a mother and I will have a large family (however that may look)
– “Fairness” is not for me (or anyone but God) to determine; it is also not the same as justice
– Suffering makes you stronger, but that understanding doesn’t make it any easier
– If I cast my anxieties and fears on my God, I will be comforted (through a prayer, a silly commercial, a song or a loving friend)
– Though I may grow weary and tired, I can always find strength in my God
– God wants what’s best for me, and if I can trust in that, I will be able to experience that beauty in each moment, regardless of where I think I am in achieving what’s “best” for me
It’s a tricky thing this infertility business.
But I know that God is with me, and that this journey is not yet over.