After our meeting with the RE last Thursday, I’ve had quite the range of emotions. I could be super lame and blame it on the Folli.stim, but that’s not true, I’m just naturally a little bit dramatic. Anyway, when I started to map out what we’ve been doing and how far we have come on this journey, I got a new perspective.
Yes, we have been TTC (I effing hate those acronyms) for 2 years. Yes, I now have friends who not only conceived ONE baby in this time, but actually are close to birthing their second. Yes, this process is awful, sucky, demoralizing and raw. Yes, that trip we wanted to take to South Africa got eaten by my vagina. Thank you, fertility treatments.
But… to save my sanity I have to look at this process as if we just started (again) after my husband’s surgery. Let’s look at it this way: before the surgery we were not playing with a full deck- in fact, we never knew what kind of deck we were going to get at all. Woohoo! This time you’ve got 5 million cards to play with. Oops! Only 700,000! Just wait- this one’s got 5.7 million, but all of them are deformed… @#*&#*%^!!!
(deep zen breath)
But now, it’s like: Oh hey, you had your surgery in late, late August. Okay, so things weren’t really healed ’till December. And research shows that you continue to heal/get better a full year after surgery. Oh, so it’s like we’ve ONLY been trying for a month (you see what I’m doing here with this reverse psychology on myself… huh? huh? ). AND things are going to continue to improve?! That makes things sound so much nicer, and gives me more hope for this cycle and cycles to come, if we need them. I need this reset button to help me be patient, to give our bodies time to get back into sync and to keep me from going to the looney bin.
I know that timelines are futile- but I’m giving us 2014 to see this thing through.
It’s our shot, and it’s what I need to keep my heart from breaking every month.