Waiting…

It’s 11 DPIUI (days post IUI)… and I’m craving coffee. UPDATE- I just put a K-cup in my mug and I’m chugging it down with guilt. So I’m not craving it- I’m drinking it. I know that one cup isn’t going to make it or break it in terms of conceiving this round… but these next 3 days are going to be killer. I’m sorry, I don’t want to sound so whiny, but I’m just ready to see what came of this cycle.

As the end of February approaches we’re coming up on the 2-year mark for trying to start our family. When I think about that (it’s half of the time we’ve been married) it really starts to choke me up. I have to remind myself that we’ve only been receiving intensive intervention for a little while (only one intervention since his surgery success), and that things are going to be okay (repeat: things are going to be okay!). To keep myself sane I’ve been meeting with other women who’ve endured this struggle, completing art projects, and starting new ones before the old ones are done. (It’s probably not helpful, though, that all of my painting and knitting revolves around baby showers and baby blankets…)

So this is what I’ve been up to during this crazy 2WW:

1. Met up with a fellow IF blogger at a great bookstore. She has incredible wisdom, sends the sweetest cards and is just a kindred spirit. Being around her makes me feel normal, when all my friends who are pregnant make me feel like I am not (normal or pregnant). She validates my feelings and reminds me that I’m still a nice person, and that even though this sucks I can have a positive outlook on life. She lightens my load, and I’m so very grateful I met her. She is going to be an epic mom.

2. Met up with one of my neighbors who has the CUTEST son I’ve ever seen. He’s hilarious, loves the ladies and Mac n Cheese. Of course when I (the speech therapist) come over, he turns mute… Kids must know before I even walk in! Anyway, my neighbor is such a source of comfort, advice and humor. She’s known about this process for a while, went to the same clinic I did, and is frank (which I totally appreciate). When we first started this journey she said, “Keep yourself open to all opportunities” and I’m so glad that bit of advice has stayed with me during this process. She also said that all of her friends who were determined to have families- made them in the end. They may not have come how they expected, but they all got through this process and were not committed to crazy houses… so there’s hope : ) She reminded me that things will be okay, and this this process really fucking sucks.

3. Shoveled snow, TWICE. My husband was out of town during the week that we received 4 inches of snow on Monday and 6-10 on Thursday/Friday. I shoveled for 2 hours Monday and was pretty worn out afterwards. My Dad took me out to lunch (best Dad ever!) and forbade me from doing anymore shoveling. So Friday AM he came over at 5am and I helped as much as he would let me so I could get my car out in time to hear that school was cancelled. I never know how much exertion is “too much” during the 2ww. I know that you can pretty much do the normal stuff (minus smoking and binge drinking…) but I’m constantly straddling the line between rest and being cautious and being a total lazy ass laying on the couch every waking hour… why is that?! People freaking run marathons pregnant. I need to find a better balance of this or I’m going to “lay” myself out of my clothes and into bigger sizes.

4. Craving wine and coffee. I’m fine avoiding wine before I ovulate- I actually rarely want it, but there’s something about that 14-day period after ovulation where I just wanna pop open a bottle and well, drink the entire thing. It sounds so good with roasted vegetables, with scrambled eggs, bacon, whatever. I also crave coffee during this period. I’ve read multiple studies on how coffee can affect implantation (for the record, I’m pretty sure they are referring to repeated coffee drinking, like 3+ cups every day) and I currently drink about 3 cups a month… so I *think* I’m okay, but at this point, we have no clue why I can’t get pregnant. Sometimes I feel like just eating rice and broth to rule out any sort of weird food reactions… but the hard part is that I have no self control, so I could never stick to the rice diet.

5. Being jealous of my husband’s ability to lose weight. We started the year with the Paleo diet and tracking our calories. We wanted to lose some weight and be more healthy. Now that’s it’s been 7.5 weeks he has lost 19 pounds, and I’ve lost one. He looks toned and has *almost* abs, and I have a muffin top. I’ve been walking while he’s been doing p90x… yes, I know that our work out plans are no where near equivalent, but dammit, I want to lose weight that fast, I want to have a flat stomach right before it gets huge from having babies in it : ) Every time I lament my lack of weight loss he says, “I don’t want you to get skinny, I want you to get fat- with a baby”. It makes me smile and remember that’s the goal for now. But after 2 years of not trying to be in better shape, I fear this squishy-ness is becoming the norm…

6. Trying to stay awake. I’ve NEVER been this tired. I’m not one to look at side effects when I take a medicine. First, because I think when you see the side effects you start to imagine them happening to you. “oh, maybe I have a headache from that medicine”… “oh, maybe that medicine made me super bloated (no, it was that HUGE bowl of nachos you ate… nice try)”, etc. etc. But this 2WW period has been fraught with exhaustion. People, I can barely open a Luna bar for breakfast, let alone clean the house or finished the aforementioned art projects. Petting our dog makes me tired. Hell, pushing play on the final season of Felicity just about does me in. So yes, I am blaming this exhaustion on the stupid little progesterone bullets I’ve been shoving up my va jay jay (don’t get me started, these are 5 billion times worse than belly shots, I’d take those any day over this constantly messy suppository- woof!).

7. Bought a quarter of beef, a CSA share, and a deep freezer. You might think I’m nesting, but no, I’m single-handedly destroying our savings account. I also ordered beef liver- WTF is this progesterone doing to my brain?!

8. Watching the Olympics. I firmly believe the winter olympics are crazy dangerous and get way less press than they should… but I was still underwhelmed by the US. The Gracie Gold/Ashley Wagner showdown was a bit intriguing, but the most interesting thing I watched was the 20 year flashback on Nancy Kerrigan/Tonya Harding. Way to reopen that wound NBC- Bravo.

So it’s safe to stay I’m trying to be as busy as I can while feeling like a zombie on progesterone. We’ll see what Thursday brings (THE blood draw day)… until then I’m going to try to stay awake past 8pm.

Good luck to everyone else out there : )

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One thought on “Waiting…

  1. I’m just catching up on reading now and this made me smile. 🙂 blessed and grateful to be part of your 2WW and also the recipient of such kind encouraging words. You’re seriously a blast of brightness in the (long) journey. Thinking about you lots! And hoping that golden book is as good as it looked! Xoxox!

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