There. I said it.
I took a break off from posting because life was hectic (when is it not, though…). I spanned the continent- a trip to Washington DC to lobby for my job, then a jaunt to Milwaukee for the NCAA tournament and now I’m home for 4 more days and then it’s out of the frozen tundra and off to Florida for some sunny weather and Disney mania… and Aunt Flo possibly, but at this point I’m apathetic to her arrival.
This cycle I tried Clomid for the first time (for those keeping track I’m like a fertility-med junkie, I’ve now tried femara, follistim, clomid, hcg (pregnyl, ovidrel), progesterone suppositories and holistic meds- and shocker, NONE have worked). It ended up pushing back my ovulation from day 14 to day 17, which actually worked out nicely since my husband and I were out of town- we had perfect timing for a weekend rendezvous in DC, and some hotel fun. Now I’m in the waiting phase. The bad part is that I still chart my temperature, which has been all kinds of crazy, leading me to believe that my hormones are still effed up.
Flash forward to my lab results, which confirm that indeed my hormones are effed up. My thyroid levels- which were at a BEAUTIFUL 1.9 have now screeched up to 3.5. I know that’s “sub-clinical” but the baby making range is 1.0-2.0 and I’m obviously not there. Additionally, my prolactin is 39. My FSH is bottoms (1.2) so that’s good, but unless I’m pregnant (I’m still holding out a glimmer of hope) I gotta do something to get these little renegade hormones back under control.
I’ve got some options- I know that bromocriptine would help with my prolactin and synthroid would help with my thyroid…. but the thing is, I want to figure out WHY these things are happening just as much as I want to be pregnant YESTERDAY. If I take Bromo it could help me get pregnant, but could I stay pregnant? If I take a thyroid med am I jacking up my hormones forever? At this point I’m tired of waiting. It’s been 2 years, all of the people who draw my blood know me, and babies are popping up everywhere, left and right. (We visited 2 newborn babes during our stint to Milwaukee, and another one in DC…) Even the kids at school are talking about their Mom’s 6th, 7th baby, and I know THEY’RE NOT eating an organic, paleo crunchy “fertility” diet. They’re getting knocked up on a diet of hot cheetos and Mountain Dew.
The other confounding issue is that my GP (who is actually treating the hormones in ALL of my cycle) doesn’t do injectables or IUIs… so I feel as though I’ve got to pick between the RE who puts me into a cookie-cutter medicine formula (totally ignoring my post-peak labs, and what i think is my ability to STAY pregnant) or I have to wait longer and have more faith with my GP, who wants to fix the whole thing- which will take MORE.TIME. I don’t think my GP will treat me if I do the injectables/IUI route because it’s against her ethics (which I completely respect and is one of the reasons I go to her). So really… just feel really frustrated and lost.
And last but not least- my diet has been crap lately. We’re still doing “paleo” but I’ve added sugars back in (which may be part of my thyroid issue) and have not worked out/done yoga as much as I need. I really need to focus on these things, but I am so freaking tired of trying to stay positive, watching what I eat, planning, meals, counting cycle days and continuing to “not think about it all the time”. Some days I feel like raising the white flag.
Also, I love my husband but last night he said, “Maybe you would feel better if you didn’t think about it all of the time”. I answered that I really try not to, and I don’t except for the following times:
– Every morning when I take my temperature
– P +3, 5, 7, 9 when I inject my stomach with hamster pee (HCG)
– Each time I plan a meal to make it nutritious, non-carb, gluten free, and really wish for a big brownie sundae and gooey pizza
– Each time I hold my friends’ babies thinking that we are so far out from having babies that our kids will be too far apart to be friends
– Each cycle that goes by when I have to count the days, change my meds and realize we’re probably out of the running for a 2014 baby
– Every time I fill my pill box to the brim and swallow 5 pills at a time without choking.
So yeah… I think I’m doing a good job NOT thinking about it all of the time except when I have to.
But I’m at the point where I don’t want to “have to”, I don’t want to chart anymore, I don’t want to track my gooey mucus (gross!) and I don’t want my lady parts being violated every month. But what I DO WANT is a home full of screaming babies, that is dirty, and chaotic, and full of love. So I guess since I want that more, I keep pushing on… but honestly, I don’t know how much longer I can.