During this infertility journey I’ve been a freak about labs and my overall health. I WANT my body to function within “normal” and I want to help it get there naturally when possible, and with minimal intervention if needed. Being a stubborn and self-described “crunchy” person this whole world of medical interventions, ultrasounds, weekly lab draws and other medieval tortures was totally not in my wheelhouse. But… I’ve come around. I no longer fear needles and can easily jab myself in the stomach numerous time without being squeamish. I’m not grossed out by describing my “flow” to my acupuncturist, or talking in detail about CM. Those things (fortunately or unfortunately) have now become part of my normal life.
The weird things I can’t seem to get over, though?
-Night terrors. I don’t know if it’s a side effect of the meds this time, or if it’s the new thyroid med I’m taking (in SUPER small doses) or maybe the Ubiquinone, but hot dog! I’ve had 3 doozies in the past 3 nights. They were all so.vivid. that when I woke up I went back to sleep in case they were real. The first involved my husband nonchalantly telling me he was laid off, then there was another one about animals outside, and the third (last night) involved a serial killer superhero (what?!) who broke into my kitchen/downstairs while we were sleeping (no one woke up?) and threw the neighbors car at our garage, and then scratched and awful message about getting my Dad in the door to our basement. Frightful.
– the elastic on my underwear is now ruined from my progesterone suppositories. I’m this close to trying PIO injections, even though I know they are the worst shot us girls can take.
– this idea of thinking about “the next cycle” or what our “game plan” is. I’m trying really hard to be in the moment here, but if a cycle doesn’t work, you kind of have to have your game plan in mind when CD1 comes in and smacks you in the face. That is NOT the time to be making serious decisions about medicine or interventions.
– The fact that we had our families over for dinner last night and my MIL said she thought we invited them over to say I was pregnant. Dagger in heart.
– The fact that a good friend from school is pregnant. And I (well maybe I am, I’ll find out next week) have no idea if/when I will be…
– That I told my Dad we may consider IVF (remember how he’s my best friend besides my husband and I respect him so much?) and he said “I’m not totally against that” (insert crocodile tears at breakfast- awkward)
– feeling “stuck” at my job because I’ve accrued so much maternity leave (I know, I SHOULD NOT complain about my plethora of leave… but I wonder if a new environment would help me out)
– The weight gain and my desire to lose weight to be more fertile. Right now my BMI is 25.2, but if I could lose 15-20 pounds I would be between 21-22, feel better and be in a nice range for fertility. This weekend I finally bit the bullet and made a “fat” bin where I put all of my (supercute!) clothes that no longer fit because I gained weight. I WILL wear them again… My plan is starting today!
I guess that’s all. I’ve been feeling pretty upbeat lately, minus the pregnancy announcement. Sometimes I wonder if I should have been on birth control in college and the beginning of our marriage to “save our good eggs” for fertility or something… everyone I know who has gotten pregnant has done it just coming off birth control. I guess it just makes me second guess everything…
Happy monday all!