No, not a BFP.
Yesterday was the day for my blood test for HCG… I went in to the evil phlebotomist (my arm filled up the cotton ball with blood after the blood draw!) and on the way out hopped in the bathroom. To my surprise my period had started. I wasn’t about to be naive enough to think I had “implantation spotting”, so I knew this one didn’t work. All in all, I actually wasn’t that upset- truth be told I was more upset that I had just paid for a test that I didn’t need. If you would have asked me yesterday- I was actually feeling pretty positive about a pregnancy, but the let down this time was so much less intense, which makes me happy and reaffirms all of the positive mental work I’ve been doing to stay calm and relaxed during this process.
Our next step is IUI #3 and increasing the meds. We are looking at other options beyond this- but I don’t think we will need them. If we do, then we cross that bridge at that point. I’m trying to be informed and present in this time and space.
So what am I doing to prepare this time? Read below:
– I just finished the Mind-Body Fertility Connection by Schwartz. It was really informative and I’ve taken the initiative to set up some hypnosis therapy appointments. I have no doubt that past events in my life (the death of my mother, my parents’ difficulty having children, etc. etc.) may have created subconscious blocks to my perception of becoming pregnant. As much as I can rationalize this process, work on my breathing and use talk therapy (with myself) to stay calm- I need a professional to help me get to the deeper issues and flesh them out. I’ll let you know how this goes : )
– Continue with acupuncture at least once a week
– Castor Oil packs every day until my trigger shot. Castor Oil is also called Palma Christe (oil of christ, translated by my maya abdominal massage friend) and it has healing properties. You can google online to see what to do- but basically I take this special cloth, pour some hot castor oil on it (not too hot, I don’t want to burn myself) and then fill a hot water bottle and then lay it on my stomach (old towel underneath me, old towel on top- you can even add tinfoil on top of the hot water pack if you want) and then lay down and meditate/read/etc. for 20+ minutes. Then I do mayan abdominal massage on the upper part of my abdomen (until my menses stop, then I can do the lower part) and relax. It’s such a great thing to do and really takes the tension out of your lower body. The oil also has healing qualities- so the thought is that it helps get rid of the old (blood) and build up the new.
– Massage on day 10 of my cycle
– Eating blood nourishing foods: dark leefy greens, chili, beef, eggs, berries, etc.
– Liver detox tea when my menses stop
– Visualizing the next IUI including egg formation, sperm meets egg, implantation, etc. etc.
– Yoga and exercise
– Having “me” time. All of the things mentioned above not only help my body to conceive, but they also give me time to think about what I want my life to be and time to reflect on what’s been going on. They are helpful and make me slow down.
All in all, I would never want anyone to go through infertility- but if I don’t see this whole journey in a positive light, then I have been beaten and I refuse to let that happen. I am learning that I need to care for and love my body- I need to not have such high expectations for myself or others, and I need to trust my intuition that we are going to have a family, I am going to be a mother, and that these things are going to work out. There is a process at work that is so much bigger than myself or my husband and I feel like we are really working with it instead of against it.