So it’s been a while.
We had the mother of all IUI cycles that got cancelled (10+ follicles) but we decided to BD anyway…
and although my period was 3 days late we came up negative on tests. We decided to take this current cycle off (I’m on CD9), due to travel schedules and the fact that my body has felt really weird- I’ve been super bloated, gained over 5 pounds and feel “off”- since the overstimmed IUI fail. I’ve also been doing hypotherapy/meditation which has been really great for my mental health. In the meantime we’ve had many serious discussions about what is next- if we continue to pump me with meds for IUIs or if we just go for it and do IVF.
Let me preface this with, I don’t think anyone ever starts out their dreams of their family with, “When we have IVF and our babies….” but unfortunately, it’s becoming more of a reality for us. We looked at our data and after all this, having a BFP for one day, and not much other success, it seems like the best next step. Realistically, we could try naturally for years and years, but mentally I don’t know how healthy that will be for me, or for our marriage. I’m not using that as a cop-out, but I’m being real with where things are at. I’m tired of being the sad/melancholy girl. I’m tired of feeling like I’m pitied or that people have to tiptoe around subjects with me. I’m ready to do what we can to make this a reality. I didn’t come to this decision lightly.
For me, it’s complicated. I am catholic, so the implications for this are heavy on me. However, I’ve come to the understanding that it’s really nobody’s business besides me husband, God and I, how our babies were conceived. I don’t grill my friends for detailed information on the nights/mornings? their children were conceived, so on the flip side I don’t think it’s anyone’s business to know how my kids were conceived. That being said, I take this process very seriously. I believe that this process is sacred, it’s holy and is the essence of who we are- it’s how life begins. We have made a decision to respect each embryo and give it a chance at life, period.
So yesterday I went in for my Saline Sonogram/trial trasnfer. Last time I had a saline sonogram I was 23, freaked out about polyps, had 6+ people in the room, and did not take any pain medicine beforehand. As a result I had a vasovagal response. I threw up (on the doctor), became hot, passed out and cycled through these symptoms for about 30 minutes. This time, though, I knew it would be different. Although I had a vasovagal for an IUI, again I had NOT pre-medicated. So… I took my 2 dramamine and 2 tylenol, dropped my drawers and popped up on the table. The doctor was great- the report was alright. No polyps, no abnormalities, just 17 immature follicles on one side, 19 on another with a 17mm follicle, and a good lining. The doctor suspected PCOS or said it could have been residual follicles from that last cycle. She said everything looked great, that we would be great IVF candidates, took out the catheter and had me lay back for about 10 minutes. I felt good at that point, got up slowly, put my clothes on and met my Dad in the waiting room (what a great Dad!). I had to use the restroom at that point- so I went and met him at the elevator. Then all the old familiar symptoms started to come- first in slow little pulses, and then I knew I was having a full-on attack.
I told my Dad I needed to go to the bathroom. When I got to the stall I experienced tunnel vision, so I called my Dad with my phone and had him send in nurses. While I waited for them to come I lay down on the bathroom floor (I know, so gross) to feel the cold tiles. My uterus started to contract to the point where I couldn’t take long breaths and I started to shake. We stayed in the bathroom for about 10 minutes when I was finally able to get into the wheelchair. They wheeled me into a recovery suite. On the way I became very dizzy, and when I got to the room I proceeded to throw up for 5-10 minutes. About 20 minutes later I felt well enough for my Dad to drive me home, where I slept for another 3 hours.
I asked the nurses how many of these they see a year, and they replied that they see about 1 every 2 years (if anyone’s keeping score, I had one last year and now this one)… so I’m not sure what that means for me. From what I understand, it’s a completely involuntary response. I have no problem with needles, blood, etc. and was calm when I had the procedure. What I do know is that somehow my nerve is “activated” and once that happens there’s little I can do to stop it. The nurse suggested that if we do IVF and do a trial transfer that I might need to be sedated for it- great.
So, we have the consult with our RE next week to see what’s next. I have to say as exciting as it is to take this step and get closer to our babies, we are incredibly sad. We wanted our bodies to work naturally in this process, and there are parts of us that feel like we failed. Like my uterus failed, his sperm failed, so somehow as a couple we failed. Those feelings can do a lot to rock a marriage, so we are working through that and loving each other as much as we can through this process.
Baby dust to you all, and thanks for reading : )