So my body is officially protesting all of this tinkering, and it’s probably about time.
Let’s recap a bit. We’ve been doing IUIs, I get over-stimmed the IUI gets cancelled, we BD anyway and none of the 10+ follies are fertilized (WTF). I get my period, we are “just having fun” this cycle and wham! On day 17 my period comes in full force- WTF again. I don’t know if it was karma, if it was the universe, if it was that crazy cycle before, or what, but the timing is pretty good, and I’ll tell you why.
After the last over-stim cycle The man and I decided to stop pumping me full of hormones with low odds- we decided if we were going to pump me with hormones we wanted it to be the best odds possible, and we decided to pursue IVF. For me, this was particularly hard to decide. I started this journey vehemently opposed to IVF, secretly wishing I would be *THAT* girl who got pregnant right after she made the RE appointment (you know the one you wait 3 months to get) or that I would be *THAT* girl who got pregnant on an unmedicated IUI, or *THAT* girl who got pregnant right after her husband’s varicocele surgery. Well, as you know, I never was *THAT* girl, and as time passed on my mental health was deteriorating, our marriage was strained (not in a bad way, we were both just SO SAD) and I hate to say it- but both of us had really given up hope. So… we decided to take care of my physical and mental well being, our marriage, and to really give ourselves the best odds (55-70%!) and pursue IVF.
Last week we met with the doctor (I think I was on CD 14 or something and still had not ovulated) and talked about our options, how IVF was the best option in terms of success rates, etc. etc. My husband asked very sweet questions about my risk factors- Will she have a higher risk for cancer? Will it affect her future pregnancies? How well do people do under anesthesia?… and I asked about holistic treatments, other things we could do to up our odds and keep me relaxed and healthy. We left feeling good, and ready to start the BCP (sooo counter intuitive, but whatever) in 15ish days. Welp- 2 days later my period started and now we’ve jumped light-speed ahead into IVF territory.
Can I be honest? (of course I can, it’s my blog…) I AM FUCKING SCARED. This is my parachute, this was the end game, the last resort and I am using all of my hopeful thinking to make this a positive experience. The facts are great. I’ve been doing acupuncture and massage for over a year, I started hypnotherapy, I OVERPRODUCED eggs last cycle (good ones, too!) and we are dealing with MFI, so ICSI should help a lot of those issues… July will be a month of stims, retrieval and transfers, which is great since school is out for summer. Timing seems to be wonderful- which only would have happened if my period started early. Also, I’m 27, which is great for odds, etc.
The weird things- we don’t really want to tell anyone, and I don’t know if we will ever tell our kids they were conceived with IVF. I have not hidden my struggle with infertility, but I’ve often just said, “we’re doing treatments” so I think I will leave it at that. I’ve already felt pretty judged by my “friends” (Comments including, “you know, having babies isn’t a competition” and “Maybe you just weren’t meant to physically have babies”) and I really don’t think it’s any of their business how our little blessings make it here, end of story. So… I guess that’s the big qualm, but then I get to thinking about it, and I probably don’t want to tell my kids the other way they got here, either, “well, I was taking 9-12 supplements a day, peeing on sticks to see when I ovulated and your Dad and I had timed intercourse after I injected myself with post menopausal urine and then we used this weird lube and I had to lay down for at least 30 minutes trying not to laugh after…. PS we really love you!” Right?! Maybe I shouldn’t even worry about it, and I should cross that bridge when I get to it. I think I need to keep my wheels from spinning, talk to the nurses tomorrow and have another frantic post about the new “Plan” which I’m sure will change daily.
I’ll keep everyone posted, but for now please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we prepare for a step that many of you know is really emotional, physical and complicated.