I think I can… I think I can…

I originally had a post written about what transpired this weekend, but hesitated to publish it because it felt whiney. Since this morning my attitude has turned around, but I’ve decided to be real about this process, so I’ll go on.

I started Stims on Friday and they have gone well. I can’t even believe this- but I missed Follistim. It goes into my skin like butter, as opposed to the craziness of mixing menopur and then the .05 injection of Lupron (I think that one is just to be mean… here’s another needle prick sucker!). So I’ve been rotating the needles around my stomach, but it’s starting to get swollen and has prick marks- dang. Again, my side effects (besides bloating) seem to be minimum. I’m a bit sleepy and have some headaches, but all in all I feel fine. Except for on Sunday when I had a major emotional meltdown.

My husband was out of town on a white water rafting trip. Background: he was planning a “guys” trip since this spring, and while I liked rafting better than Vegas, we have been talking about going on a rafting trip since we’ve been dating (over 8 years) so I was disappointed that he was planning this trip with his guy friends first instead of me. Then I get a text saying the hot tub was great. HOT TUB?!?! I lost it. I couldn’t believe he got in a hot tub when we are about to do a retrieval in less than 2 weeks. I was livid. After he got back we had it out and I melted down into tears. The bottom line is that I WAS upset about the hot tub, but I was more upset about this whole process. Through tears I said I was tired of doing all of this holistic stuff, I was tired of watching what I eat, tired of gaining weight, tired of being a human pincushion and tired of not having a baby. I also said I was really sad we can’t have a baby the “normal” way, and I think that fact is really hitting me this week. I was just pretty sad. But we cheered ourselves up, went on a walk and everything is fine. I’m very lucky to have my husband in my life.

So today I was reflecting on all of that emotional baggage and I realized that my body is strong. It can do amazing things- and we are GOING to get through this. My first estradiol blood draw went really well, so we are staying the course with retrieval sometime next week. I’m feeling hopeful for this, with lots of antral follicles on my first ultrasound, and my prior responses have been good.

So what am I doing while I’m waiting?
– Working a part time job 12 hours a week (LOVIN this!)
– Watching seasons 1-6 of Mad Men
– Watching seasons 1-4 of Downton Abbey (OMG season 3 was killer. So sad!)
– Waiting to see what happens during the final moments of this seasons Bachelorette (I really liked Marcus, so I was sad to see him leave)
– Walking the dog daily (I WISH I had his unending supply of energy)
– Making homemade iced tea and chai (MMMM)
– And doing craft projects I’ve put off for 4 years in my newly set up “craft corner”

Good thing I have also been seeing friends in between all this, or this could get to be a sad, lonely list.

Hope everyone else is well, it’s been great to read all the good IVF success lately!

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