[I wrote this about 5 days ago and never pushed publish : ) ]
Ha! Never thought you would see those two words together, right!?
Well… I officially decided I wanted to back out of Attain. I emailed the woman and she said, “we would prefer if you stayed in it”. Well no shit lady, you want my money. I was fully prepared to pull the plug and watch the contract swirl the drain when my husband (who was against Attain in the first place) said we should “stay the course”. Now, I can’t remember what movie that is from (I’m thinking Mel Gibson said it to a hunky Heath Ledger in the Patriot right before he died?! Please confirm.) and so we are “staying the course”. I’m putting it this way in my head: If we get pregnant- who effing cares, we are pregnant and we have our babies and their business scheme worked and our money will go to some other couple or some fat corporate sleaze ball. If it doesn’t work, we still have 2 more shots and they are “free” (haha what a joke of a word!). So… my Jekyl/Hyde escapade has finished and we are staying in the program. I need to chill…
Which leads me to hypnotherapy.
As I mentioned previously I read a book on the Mind/Body Fertility connection. This book mentioned the important role our minds play in our fertility and how that piece is often overlooked in western medicine. So the premise is basically that positive thinking=positive results.
My first session involved a detailed life history to try to hit at some of the subconscious issues that may be keeping me from being open to having a baby. I went through the systems in my body that are responsible for actually making and caring for a baby and the other parts that help regulated hormones. I visualized my kidneys, my thalamus, my liver and then my ovaries and uterus. I gave them self care- mind massages if you will- and then I envisioned the fullest, most fluffy uterine lining I could. I’m sure it sounds weird, but it was comforting to think that I could help these parts of my body perform well by imagining them. So I did this before my last IUI- and you guys, the craziest thing happened. I imagined the EXACT number of follicles they would find on each ovary. Now, I guess we could blame the failed IUI on me since I seemed to be greedy about my egg production, but woah! It was really neat. In addition to imagining my body systems, I also had to imagine a “relaxation space”. It was kind of hard to do at first, but I ended up imagining this serene space under a tree, which is where I go in my mind when I need to relax.
So after the failed IUI, I went back for another session. This time she had me imagine my body systems and my relaxation space, but with a twist- this time I was pregnant in my relaxation space! NEVER during my other visualizations has it been mentally possible for me to imagine myself pregnant. I’ve tried and I’ve been able to see someone pregnant- but it just didn’t seem like me. This session I FELT pregnant and it was amazing! She also had me envision my pregnancy week by week as my belly and babies grew- it was such an empowering exercise.
My final session involved climbing a huge mountain- filled with big rocks, rivers, and scratchy brush. My man was with me the whole time, helping me through the course. There were also others who helped us- the people who have been with us on this journey. But right at the end he sprinted ahead saying he would be waiting for me. The last part was grueling- a vertical summit. But once I got there I looked around and saw the back of my husband. I called his name, he turned around and was holding our babies so gently in his arms.
What a beautiful image to end on! So… That’s the last piece of this journey and one that had helped my mental attitude so much. I know we will have our family, and now, I can see it!