Sayonara shots!

No more shots!!!

Last night was the trigger shot, and I have to admit I was a bit nervous. My husband was incredibly worried he would “mess it up” to which I said, “unless you shoot the medicine all over my butt or hit a bone, you’re fine”. I don’t think I should have mentioned bone to him, or let him see how big the needle was. It doesn’t make me feel too great when the person giving my shot is afraid of shots, blood, pain and messing up his job…. ugh! But at 730 on the dot I bent over the couch, put my face in the pillows and let him do his thing. If I’m being honest- it did hurt. The initial puncture wasn’t bad, but the pushing in of the needle and the meds made a burning sensation that I wasn’t a fan of. Afterwards I sat for about 10 minutes with a heating pad and we treated ourselves to some amazing Thai food. Job well done, team!

It was beautiful to wake up today and only take my tiny thyroid pill. I loved putting all of my medication away into the “meds bag” where it will hopefully stay forever. All in all, I feel pretty positive about tomorrow and I just want it to be transfer time. I’m in leggings and a tunic today and feel pretty bloated. I know it will probably get worse this week so I’m trying to hydrate a ton today and start my gatorade and miralax tonight. I’ve got a massage scheduled for Friday to calm my uterus the eff down after getting poked and prodded and I’ve got acupuncture set up for pre/post transfer.

Emotionally, though…

Last night as I was prepping the “area” for my shot and checking social media due to boredom, I received a call from a good friend. Let me be clear- we rarely call each other. We email, we go on trips, we text, but calls are not our thing. The first thing that came into my mind was, “She’s pregnant”. I tried to call back and she didn’t answer. I went online and saw an announcement from a family member that they are expecting in January. Now, I knew about this already, but the facebook announcements really get you in your gut. Not only that, but this family member had once told me that, “I’m not sure if I want to have kids, but I’d rather have one so I don’t regret not having one someday”. I LOVE this family member (one of my favorites, really) but this comment pushed me over the edge. THEN one of our close friends in our wedding announced that they, too were pregnant. Just after these revelations (not kidding) my friend called back to share the good news. She told me it happened A LOT faster than they thought and that they were excited. Really, though, did you have to say “a lot faster than we thought” to the person who has been trying to have babies for almost 4 years?

They come in 3s people… And while I’m so excited to meet all these little squishy humans, I can’t help but think- WHY is this so hard for us? WHY do we have to pay so much money? Why can’t we have it happen “faster than we thought”? I tried to spin this positively and think that “yes, we will have other babies to play with around our babies’ ages! Wonderful!” But I still can’t get rid of that gnawing feeling. While I feel so blessed to have the opportunity and resources to do IVF, while I have great supports, while so many things are blessings in my life- I’m tired of feeling like I have to do it the hard way. I’ve done it the hard way- none of my friends who got pregnant “easily” will have to learn to parent without their Moms. None of them will worry about how to start saving for college while paying off the medical bills that got their kids here. I’m not saying I think life should be easy for me or that I take my blessings for granted, I’m just trying to find some sense in a world that is hard to understand.

The bottom line is: I know that God has a plan for us. I know that during these awful, dark times God has been there in the form of friends, or flowers, or the beauty of creation to bring me back to the blessings in my life. I know that my husband and I will have a family, that we will be happy, and that this time in our lives will be like a tiny blip on the radar. Even though I know all of this- it still hurts.

So I’m looking forward to retrieval tomorrow, hoping that our babies will be able to join the newly announced ones in future play dates.

Baby dust to all- please keep us in your prayers the next week, it’s a big one!


One thought on “Sayonara shots!

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