Saturdays are normally the day I sleep in. But… guess who called bright and early this morning at 8:10am?! The Embryologist. AGH!
So… when they did the egg retrieval they got 14 eggs. The doctor was expecting 8-10 and so 14 was a great thing to hear. Today the embryologist said that we had 12 eggs that were fertilized, and by today (day 2) 10 of them were still developing. She said they were all looking strong, which made me feel good. But, I have to admit that initially I felt kind of sad. I know it’s ridiculous but I really wanted all 14 to fertilize and make it to transfer or freeze. Again, I know that’s silly, but I had high hopes. I know that the more eggs you have sometimes the quality can suffer, but I don’t want to have to do this again. I want our family to be in those eggs so that we can build our home.
I still want to have hope, but I know this process is uncontrollable. I know it’s stupid for me to put the cart before the horse and worry about future kids when we aren’t even pregnant yet- but I guess that’s the whole thing. I’m grieving the loss of control. I envy other women who can “plan” when they have their kids. I’m envious of those who space their kids out perfectly, for those families that are big and loud and fun. I’ve always wanted a big family- at least 3 kids, and that was my minimum. I know that I’m not in control, but maybe I’m starting to realize in a very definitive way that the family I’ve dreamed of is going to be different. I know that once my family is here it won’t matter- or at least I hope it won’t, but I want to let myself be a little sad now.
Before we get pregnant, I want to let myself mourn the future I imagined. I want to feel the grief of not being intimate with my husband to conceive my babies. I want to give myself some space to not try to convince myself that “things could be worse”. I want a little pity party. And once I’m done, I’ll pick myself back up and be SO excited for our babies to come into our life.
I know that things will be great on Tuesday and I’m very hopeful that we will be pregnant in a few short weeks and that all of this will a faint memory compared to the new memories we are making. I have to believe that these feelings will diminish once I see our babies. And I’m confident that this process is going to work.
It has to.
ps- please continue to pray for the Lucky 10. Pray that they are strong and feel our love, and that they make it to transfer day/freezing. Thanks for all the support : )